Michael Moore Greets The Common Folk

Went to the Loew's theater at 19th Street yesterday to catch an afternoon screening of Fahrenheit 9/11, because I feel like no one is talking about that movie and I really think it needs all of our support.

So as my party approached the theater we noticed a huge crowd on the corner by the box office. "Great, another sold-out screening," I thought. Well, I was right, but that's beside the point. The crowd turned out to be film crews, because Michael Moore was giving an impromptu press conference right outside the theater.

It was a very surreal scene because the gay pride parade was going on one block over. So Michael Moore was trying to be heard over the loud music and general revelry, and if you looked down the street you could see these elaborate floats driving by.

We All Know That Art is Hard

While checking out the ESPN homepage this morning and reading up on the NBA's free agents, I was led to a conclusion. It is in my humble opinion that New Jersey Nets' power forward Kenyon Martin has the worst tattoos of all time.

On his left arm, he apparently decided to go with what I imagine should be a scary-looking grim reaper. However, it comes out looking like one of those spray paint "pieces of art" that those dudes on the Times Square sidewalks make in three minutes -- to the amazement of tourists and your burnout roommate, who proudly hangs one above his blacklight. And note the streakiness of the reaper; are those supposed to be motion lines? Is death traveling so rapidly in a horizontal motion that even the sun is getting dragged along with him?

And then there's the right arm, which in addition to having some word that I can't make out, sports a personal pet peeve: the child face tattoo. What's one of the most awkward, stereotypical (yet true) nightmares of your teenage years? Having your parents show your baby pictures off to a date! And what escape does Kenyon Martin's kid have? His cherubic mug is tattooed for eternity on his father's arm. Until K-Mart is laid to rest, all it will take to embarrass the fuck out of his kid is a shortsleeve T-shirt. Would you want your baby picture residing permanently on one of your parents' limbs? Probably not. Not to mention that the picture is of the kid wearing a sideways baseball cap. Imagine being a grown man and having to look at that crap. Dude...worst tattoos ever.

Stuff We Like This Week


1. What kind of pop-culture site would we be if we didn't tell you to go see the midnight showing of Spiderman 2 at the Arclight Cinerama Dome? Pretty lame. Or, you know, you could also go see it and get drunk at the same time, if that's more your thing.

2. Travis. Not the band. The idiot.

3. For sheer weirdness, you just can't beat Pasadena's 4th of July festival, AmericaFest. Check out the featured musicians, and you'll see stars like Berlin, the guy from Milli Vanilli who didn't kill himself, an ex-Menudo member who wrote "Living La Vida Loca," a classical tenor, and the Flying Elvi. Oh, and for good measure, there's a joke party band and the BMX Stunt team, who will also "share their passion for a healthy, drug-free lifestyle." You know, I was planning on spending the 4th in Sequoia National Park, but I don't know if I'll be able to resist the sheer kitsch lure of AmericaFest.


1. If you're not reading Stakes is High, you're missing out on the most important thing to happen to chaturbate blogging since Paris Hilton exited the womb. Check out the site's new banner and then throw it up like you mean it.

2. Only the cover shot and one other photo are online, but the Terry Richardson pictures of Will Ferrell in the newish issue of Index are absolutely hilarious.

3. Suburban Long Island shopping malls...and the things people buy at them.

Arnold's Saga Pt. 1000

Oh, Arnold.

You were doing so well. You repealed the "car tax," installed actual environmentalists in the state's Dept. of Conservation, and worked hard to balance the budget.

Now you want to kill things.

Schwarzenegger announced this morning that California could save $14 million a year by euthanizing stray animals in shelters after holding them for three days instead of the current six. According to the AP, about 600,000 dogs and cats are put to death each year in California already.

While Arnold defeated Gray Davis pretty easily in the recall election, his new political opponent is much, much cuter.

Lessons to politicians:

1. Don't introduce legislation that can produce a jasminlive headline in the form of "(You) Wants (Nouns) killed faster."

2. Wear adorable bandanas.

Stuff we like and dislike

Our Mutual Friends is Tale of Two Cities' weekly rundown of what happened and what's happenin'. It is alphabetized and has lots of links. It's stuff we like and dislike, think is funny and newsworthy, or just things that kinda deserve attention. The list is published every Friday. If you'd like to submit a link e-mail OMF wiz Darin. If you want to bitch at Darin in the comments, well then, go for it.

A Ten Dollar Face Lift: Conservatives propose to honor Reagan and shit on Hamilton.

Bad Seed: Reagan's son dishonors dad's policy of lying to the public.

Conservatives Get Served: By this week's cover of the New Yorker.

Destiny's Child Comeback: What's waiting for you at the top? A special appearance on a game show!

Eating Disorder???!!!!!: WHAT?!?!?!?! No!

FEC Has Nothing On Me!: Michael Moore doesn't give a fuck.

Give It Up: We get it, already! You're a spiritual person! You're giving our people a bad name.

He's Number One: In the bookstores and on late night.

It's About Time: Bootylicious perfume. Way to stay ahead of the curve, Tommy Hilfiger.

Just In Case He Didn't Have Enough Money: Affleck cleans up at the California State Poker Championship.

Keep It in Your Pants, Austin: Austin City Limits Festival line-up announced. Darin finally feels at home.

Letter Home: Even captured dictators miss their families.

Mo Matching Drapes: 14:59, 14:58, 14:57.

Never Knew She Had It in Her: Paris to star in non-pornographic film.

Oh J. Lo: Where's your Olypmic spirit?

Please Explain This Match Up: Because we just don't understand.

Quit Feeling Guilty: Lindsay doesn't care if you write about her Loahns.

Reporting Rumors Across the Sea: The Sun uses "facts" from the National Enquirer.

She's Not Ready to Walk Anywhere: Except maybe down the aisle!

Too Bad, Ladies: Farrell's full-frontal cut.

Understatement of the Week: Dogs really are man's best livejasmine friend.

Very Nice, Defamer: You have the headline of the week.

Weak Tunes: Tommy Lee serves up some shitty jams.

X-Rated Judge: What goes on underneath his robe is the sexiest case of the summer.

You Blew It!: Lollapalooza cancelled. Way to go guys. You didn't want to fork over $90 and skip work for two days, and now look what happened!

Zero Tolerance: Louis Vuitton fannypack. Sorry Von Dutch, Louis has you beat this week.

The Reich Shall Rise Again

Next time you think about taking candy from a baby, or making an off-color "dead baby" joke for the mild amusement of your friends, think again. That baby might just be able to kick the shit out of you.

In Germany (and really, where else would you expect something like this to happen?), the world's very first mutant uber-mensch baby was born.

The boy is less than five years old, and can already hold weights that many adults cannot. It's only a matter of time before he starts busting through walls and picking up Volkswagens.

But will he use these powers for good ... or not? We can only wait ... and hope.

How 'Bout an 'A' For Effort?

Well, curse my amatuer Photoshop skills, because I just spent a half-hour trying to assemble a delicious little image that I have now given up on. This blog has stolen 30 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

I thought it was funny that in this Times story about Mel Gibson's post-Passion career in film and television production, the writer included this graf:

The Jasmine live television shows were proposed and developed last year, but the networks did not decide until spring to put them on their fall schedules. And while none of the shows have religious themes, television executives said they believe that Mr. Gibson has a distinct sense of what American audiences want.

So I was all set to to cut out Jesus's bloody head and make it snuggle up to Mel's melon on the What Women Want poster, then combine it with a little humorous text manipulation. A lofty goal, I admit now.

But no doubt it would have been heeeeeeee-larious! So, you know, assemble that image in your head or something.